To the loo

To The Loo

This year, my wife and I were lucky enough to stay in a hotel over Christmas, not something we are in a habit of doing as we feel that staff should not have to work Christmas day, but as we are in a country where it is a normal working day, we decided to splash out.

It was a refreshing change to have someone else worry about cooking the Christmas dinner, and I must say the quality of food on offer was superb. I could write for days about the food and the hotel but this is not what I want to bring to your attention today. No, today’s post is about the toilets. Yes, you read that right, the toilets. A place we prefer to keep hidden, don’t like to talk about and are often embarrassed by.

This hotel is one of the top brands in Bahrain, and indeed well up there with competition in the rest of the world, so if you expect marble floors and gleaming counter-tops, you would not be disappointed, but it was in the cubicles that things became a little surreal.

Now, I have to get a little personal here, it’s unavoidable given the subject matter. The first thing I noticed was the seat was warm. Not the sort of warm you get from the previous occupant’s derriere, but the warmth that comes from electricity passing along a cable. People tell me water and electricity don’t get on, but in my experience electricity absolutely adores water and will spread all over it at every opportunity, so it makes me slightly nervous when something so clearly electrical is in such close proximity to water and my backside.

The next thing of note was the panel located on the wall to my left – a control panel. I don’t know about you, but the only control I have encountered before in a toilet has been a means of flushing, not a selection of buttons, each marked with a different function. A closer inspection of said panel revealed a choice of Front Cleansing, Rear Cleansing and Dryer.

At this juncture, I should say things we regard as household appliances in the west, such as dishwasher, coffee maker and potato peeler, tend to be job titles in the Middle-East. So, it was with some trepidation I tried the button marked Rear Cleansing, half expecting a team to dash in with a bucket and squeegee. Fortunately, this did not occur but what did happen was almost as much of a shock. All I can say is, if the laser guided weapons of this world are half as accurate, then there should never be collateral damage. The jet of water, warm though it was, hit the target with such accuracy I almost left the cubicle. It took several seconds of shock for me to realise there was also a Stop button, which I duly pressed.

Of course, being an engineer I had to try the button marked Front Cleansing, in the interests of science that it is, and this is where the difference between men and women becomes apparent. The jet of water came from the same source, but this time applied with a slight change in angle. My wife assures me that with a little wriggling, it is possible to get the water on target, however, for a male this is not so easy, having, shall we say, certain appendages in the way, and no amount of wriggling is going to allow the water past them. Fortunately, I’m happy to report the drier was able to cope with the now drowned appendages.

My design for an improved version is now complete and on its way to the manufacturer, who I assume only employ female staff, or is an alien enterprise. I look forward to trying the modifications soon